Always the Sparkler
Sarah Murphy

So maybe i'm thinking about grey and white because i'm thinking about england huddersfield and yorkshire and bonfire night bright colours in the middle of november grey late afternoon fall grey grey crossing the country grey back from sheffield grey and then the bright the lights in colours from everywhere and anywhere and standing outside and looking down over huddersfield and luca so careful with his sparkler such a big sparkler and how we didn't have big sparklers just the little ones in their cardboard packages so even lit you had to hold them close to your body at least to your hand so maybe i remark on that one time because i almost shiver watching luca walk with his but it doesn't seem to matter very much even as i hold my arm close to my side and talk about how you had to stay up so late for seeing the grey late past eight o'clock maybe to nine and even to ten and there were never any colours because sparklers just kind of sparkle silver and no one had personal fireworks not ever the buildings were too high and close though firecrackers yes lots of them but their colour was always on the outside on the packaging so it was just the noise the explosions and the sparklers and it was always hot too sweaty hot and close and that time the faces close so very close around me spinning spinning the center of attention spinning so maybe it's true too that i'm just thinking about colours colours or lack of colours because grey and white is always that sparkler if i think grey and white i don't think cloud or paper i just think sparkler the sparkler grey and white no blue left and the night tumbled down around your shoulders and the dress sticking out from your waist that white organza dress tied at the back like little girls dresses always are and it's outside still in the shelter of the buildings not on but by the stoop next door in that little indentation in front of the house with its white stone door and it's not the first time that you've done it not the first time at all not the first fourth of july that you remember so it can't be a first memory it can't not really though maybe it is sort of maybe it is the first fourth of july that you remember only i don't think so i think it had been years by then that you knew about the fourth of july which would make you maybe about four for the fourth of july you couldn't have been older not in a dress like that not in a dress like that with mark still around but i'm pretty sure i haven't gotten it mixed up not the dress not it being after the first fourth of july there had been previous sparklers i'm sure sure of that and of how i went not on the fourth but for the fourth that must have been the first fourth going with mickey and mark i'm sure it's mckey and mark up to get the fire crackers behind the butler's street police station something that might convince me i really was precocious maybe i really was like i mean really because i couldn't have been more than four i must have been all of three and i was old enough to understand irony the way mark and mickey and paul weird as it was they did all talk together go places together the way they laughed at how the fire crackers were sold behind the butler street police station it was funny very funny after all they were illegal in new york had to be bootlegged in from new jersey and that was so silly they were so safe those ones sold there only maybe the truth is that memory is so vivid so very vivid truly i can see it see the green grass see the grey gravel see the little tan wood stand see the multi-coloured open cardboard boxes see the brick red building everything in bright colours everything in absolute detail the truth is that i really didn't get to go not that time which doesn't mean i didn't understand irony it was just years before i actually got to go and to look at all those little blue and white red and white little firecrackers in groups like fish on lines attached by their fuses their gunpowder hidden grey inside maybe it really was years before i got to see that in the flesh to walk up and to choose though maybe not because by the time mark was dead and paul garcia was gone i think the police station was gone too not just the fireworks stand but the whole police station or maybe just that empty lot so maybe it was sometime in between mark leaving and paul leaving that i went once with paul and mickey and tim and a.j. or maybe it was just with tim and a.j. maybe it was that time i was riding on a.j's bike maybe returning in triumph from the firecracker stand when we had that crash and i hurt my ankle maybe that was it maybe it was maybe it was and all the rest of the story of fireworks behind the butler street police station was just like the sparkler all grey and white grey and white grey and white and black and white words just words in the mind grey and white and the occasional burst of colour and that memory something else altogether a different time for such vivid colours a very different time but the truth is i already had the story the story and the irony and control of stories is so important like understanding irony and why would we get those firecrackers those sparklers hahahaha right beside the police station hahahaha the police station and all such little ones such little ones even the cops knew they were safe the ones sold there and sparklers the safest of all everyone said so which meant i at least knew that as i spun and spun and was the centre of attention and the firecrackers too at least the ones in their bright coloured paper only the ashcans and the cherry bombs dangerous and we didn't get them or at least i didn't and tim wasn't supposed too just the red and white green and white little ones for him the sparklers so dull iron grey and safe for me i'd been told they were safe i was sure they were safe as i spun and spun in my stiff rayon white organza dress i can see it too feel it's texture harsh on the skin in the heat of july and a.j. was there and so was tim and mickey too and mark for a last time a last fourth of july in brooklyn before the july in which he died so there we are and we're laughing and running and playing and our unlit sparklers in our hands and the shadows of the trees folding over us in the final dark the final grey hours spent waiting for the grey more and more excited waiting for the grey dark of night in the heat waiting for the moment our sparklers will be lit to light up colour against the grey only i don't remember colour against the grey just shades of grey and playing so sure it was safe i'm so sure that it's safe that i spin and i spin the centre of attention i spin and i spin laughing i spin the way kids always spin and spin spin and spin until they i get dizzy i get dizzy and i bring the grey metal sparkler so bright now with it's sparkling silver end into my side into my white white dress as i spin and i spin and the next thing i know the dress is burning and so is my side and then mark is there to wrap me in a blanket to put it out and then there's butter and only then the pain the crying and the pain and the black of the charred dress where it burned and what can you say except it wasn't the way they said it wasn't safe the way so many things that sparkle aren't safe the way there would be years of sparkling that wouldn't be safe too bright lights that wouldn't be safe and being the centre of attention the little girl centre of attention the least safe of all with mickey and all those men and all of it full of invisible scars like the scar on my side i can't see anymore and what can you say what can you say except that the only colour was the yellow purple burn bruise on my side and the yellow butter with it's popcorn smell and all the rest is grey and white even the faces looking at me grey and white spinning spinning grey and white as i fall down the centre of attention grey and white the sparkler grey and white and that's the irony too the bright colours of the lot beside the police station green grass and red brick and multi-coloured firecrackers in their boxes so clear the irony of illegality next to the police station so clear the grey of the blanket the white of the skirt the black of the charred cloth the brilliant silver of the sparkler so dull so muddy the irony of the safely dangerous sparkler the sparkly dangerous centre of attention so obscure that i couldn't even begin to understand it for the longest time and besides that why if it's so damn dangerous am i standing here laughing as spent fireworks fall heavy into the yard as roman candles explode green over our heads as luca runs with his sparkler across the grass that's right if it's so damn dangerous why am i telling this why am i writing this why am i telling this with maybe the only answer that i've just been bragging a precocious child again just bragging bragging and spinning spinning and bragging to try to get myself once more into the centre of attention bringing the bright sparkler of words to my side to be the centre of attention demanding the blanket to put out the fire at the centre of attention maybe that's all i'm doing all i've ever been doing maybe that's all we ever do spinning and bragging bragging and spinning maybe that's it maybe that's the irony the dull irony the only irony or maybe it's just that i've never understood irony maybe i never will understand irony maybe at all.